just like every other girl in this world, i too believe in fairy tales….ive grown up watching fairy tales and i too believe that i will meet my prince one day who will come for me on a white horse and take me off to his castle in a kingdom far far away where we shall live happily ever after….okay maybe not literally on a horse and maybe not literally to a kingdom far far away but i strongly believe ill find a man who will sweep me off my feet with his charm and affection and take me off into a world full of happiness and peace….but all this is just a dream today….one that i hope will come true someday….
coming back to reality….i have led an extremely protected life till now….i have lived completely under the shadow of my parents….under their care and affection….hence even the slightest push i get from the world outside makes me feel like the world is crashing down on my shoulders….i get scared to do even the smallest of things like going to the bank to deposit a cheque….i feel that they might ask me something that i wouldnt know the answer to and i will lose the ground under my feet….everything that i have to do alone gives me the same feeling….my pessimism comes in the way and i always think what if im unable to complete the work….what if people arent satisfied with my work….at home i always have the confidence that whatever happens i know my father is there to take care of things….even then when i start something new i am gripped with fear….
when i first got to know i have been selected to join INFOSYS, the first reaction was of happiness because it meant that i would be away from family and with my friends and it would mean complete freedom to do what i liked and things of that sort….but as soon as it started sinking in, it hit me that i was like a goldfish in a fish bowl….a goldfish who was about to be thrown into the sea….if the goldfish is thrown into the sea, due to its instincts it could survive but it would have to go through a major struggle to adapt to the new surroundings and it would have to come to terms with the fact that its world has suddenly increased….it would have to struggle for its existence because the big world would have its own inhabitants who wouldnt think twice before eating the small thing up….i am exactly like that goldfish….i know nothing of the outside world and i am scared of it….i can feel the struggle i have ahead of me and that scares me….
having said that, i would like to highlight another part of me….i see another life for myself which is post the struggle era….i see myself happily settled in my life….i see myself with a family of my own….i see my own home….a big and spacious home which is well decorated and extremely cozy and comfortable….the kind of home which one would look at and automatically say that this is home sweet home….i see myself at a respectable position in society and very much popular among my peers….i see myself being financially independent in such a way that when i go to a store to buy something, i dont have to look at the price tag when i like something….i see myself with my husband enjoying life along with the responsibilities that one has towards a family….
its an extremely pretty picture that i have in my mind and this picture is worth struggling for….when i think about this picture, my fear of the outside world reduces to a small extent….i get a different kind of confidence that i can achieve that perfect picture in life because its not something that elaborate that i cant achieve it ever….i have seen my parents putting off enjoyment so that responsibilities do not suffer….but i dont want to lead a life like that….i want my life to be easy….i dont want to struggle till the last minute so that i can enjoy in future….i dont want to keep anything for future….because i have a fear that what i keep for future, i will never get to do it….who knows if i will be alive for fulfilling those wishes that i put off for future….
life doesnt always turn out the way one wants it to….one can work towards making it picture perfect but the outcome may not be as desired always….i may not get the perfect picture that i have painted in my mind….but at the end of the day all i need is to be happy….all i want out of life is happiness….i dont want money, i dont want fame, i dont want status….all i want is to have just enough to keep my family and me happy….if it means i have to keep struggling, i will….happiness is all that matters to me….
Musings of a confused nut! 