I will be alright!

Its August 1, 2016. Two years ago on this day I landed on my birth country, the United States of America. While the plane was landing, I had tears in my eyes because I had hoped my mother to be there with me when I finally did come back. I was so nervous, taking each and every step with such caution that I could literally feel a huge weight on my shoulders. Everything was uncertain. All I knew was that for the next 2 years, if everything went well, I was going to Purdue University in Indiana. That’s all. Everything else was uncertain. Would I be able to make it here on my own? Would I be able to pass and get my MBA? Would I be able to find a job and stay on? What kind of job would I get? Would I be able to move on from IT into management? Where would I finally settle down? Would I even be able to settle down? I’ve never been away from my parents. The farthest I’ve ever been is Mysore and that also we knew I’d come back home soon. Pune was just 3 hours away and I always had that comfort of knowing that if anything happened, my parents were just 3 hours away. It came in handy once too when I fell really sick. Now what would I do? Once my father dropped me off and went back to India, that was it. I would be on my own. Yes he would be a phone call away but its not the same. All these thoughts and much more were swimming in my head. I felt like a scared little bird who was about to be pushed out of the nest. My nervousness was coupled with excitement of seeing New York with my father. I was also excited that I am about to start something new.

Today, after 2 years, I managed to get a good enough GPA. I managed to get an internship as well as a job with Ford Motor Company! I have my own apartment in Dearborn, Michigan. I have my own car. A least for the next couple of years (end of 2019) I am more or less settled. I admit that I am not entirely happy with the location I am in. My ideal job location would have been anywhere on the east coast. But I love Ford and I am loyal to the company. After I finish my training, depending on the work I get I may stay on or move to the east. But all the fears that I had about whether I would be able to settle down or not don’t exist anymore. I am leading a life of my own. In fact, life has already fallen into a routine. I am no longer that scared little bird being thrown off the next. And yes though I’m taking more responsibilities in terms of managing my own money, life isn’t all that different from the one I had in India. The only difference that I feel is my mother’s absence and that I don’t go home on weekends. Now, this is my “home”.

This brings me to an interesting self discovery. I will be alright! Even though I am very low on self confidence, so far, somehow I have managed to float around through life without too many hiccups (*touchwood* as my mother would no doubt say at this moment if she were reading this). I may not be brilliant like so many of my peers but I am not unintelligent either. When put into a situation, I manage to get through it, with or without help. In these two years, I wouldn’t say I lived a lavish life. But I definitely lived a life much better than some of my peers. I managed to get myself a decent enough grade and a good enough job. Assuming that I do not mess anything up, at the current rate, I have only one direction to go, up! I know there will be bumps on the road. But I now have the confidence that I will get through everything. I may wander around trying to find my true calling. I may make wrong choices in life. I may meet and be associated to the wrong people in life. I may even fail sometimes. But I know somewhere deep down that I will never amount to nothing. It’s always been a fear of mine that I will not be happy in life. I never cared about money or social status or anything material in life. All I ever wanted, since childhood, was to be happy and content in life. And to be happy, I have to be something or someone. I couldn’t afford to be a nothing. Increasingly, I am getting used to living alone, being alone and spending time with myself. This is helping me do something I always wanted to, write. Its helping me see myself in a different light. Its helping me build my own confidence. I had lost myself in the last couple of years. Most importantly, its making me feel that I am someone too. My world has always been small. In that small world, I am still happy. I have my freedom. I can be me and not pretend to conform myself to social norms. And that for me is  my true achievement today. I will be alright!