Parenting confusions

I am the last person on this planet who is qualified to write something about parenting styles but even then here I am writing about something that I’ve observed quite a few times and have as yet been unable to truly understand. For kicks, I have mentioned this to my parents as well and they too just stay silent, at least my father does. My mother on the other hand, would sometimes comment when absolutely exasperated. And yes, that has happened once or twice. But this is probably one of the few times when I’ve felt that she really was proud of how I turned up.

Increasingly, I see that parents give in to their children’s demands and wishes and then they proudly state that their children are becoming so smart because their children know exactly what they want, even as early as at age 5. It is the children who make the rules. For example, today, a two-year-old will not eat unless you put an iPad in front of him/her with their favourite cartoon on. Children a little older, will not eat if you snatch an electronic device from their hands. Of course they know how to operate it! In earlier generations, the worst part of the day for a mother of a toddler was that the kid wouldn’t sit in one place to finish the daily feeding rituals. Now, “smart” and tech savvy kids can’t be bothered when “busy” discovering the world of fancy cartoons on fancy technology!

That reminds me of another astonishing fact. Today, many parents state as a matter of fact that their children will not eat a particular food item as if that’s how the world is. On this particular issue, I’ve heard my mother proudly say that her kid always ate everything that was given to her. She made sure her kid always ate everything. She never allowed me to ever say that I will not eat something. That was just not an option. An interesting thing to note here is that when my mother was raising me in those early days, she was a stay at home mother so she may have had extra time on her hands to take care of me and that, some people might say, was the reason she could “train” me so well, but I attribute this “difference” to something else. She raised me without the interference of other ladies in the family or any outside advice and help. She did what came to her mind naturally. She pampered me in her own way. Apparently my favourite drink at the time was coca cola. Whenever she would open the fridge, I would point to the coca cola bottle and ask for “gogo”. That’s what I called it at the time. So that’s proof for me that my mother pampered me too! How many one year olds would you know who drink coca cola, even if it was just one sip? My mother taught me to be a quiet little angel. And for those first two years of my life, I was. Everyone, including my parents (who very rarely praise me) has always mentioned what a good little baby I was. The next 3 years were a bit of a rough patch and that too my mother had once told me, wasn’t my fault and that it was circumstances and fate that were to be blamed but after that rough patch of 3 years, I again was more or less an obedient kid. I did start developing moods and temper tantrums but I was extremely scared of my parents as well. My mother’s silent treatment when I did something wrong was the worst punishment ever. My father would scream and spank me but he would calm down soon after and for that surge in temper, I would be terrified but I would know things would calm down with him. But with my mother, it was completely unpredictable. But today, kids are hardly afraid. I don’t say that they should be. But shouldn’t there be a certain level of fear that the parents are the authority?

Just because I was scared of my parents and they were enforcers of rules, does that mean they loved me any less? In fact, it was quite the opposite! My parents were/are my closest friends throughout my life. My father is probably one of those few fathers that I know of, who can actually joke with me about the silliest of things. He can turn anything into a joke between us. That is how we bond as father and daughter. My mother was the only person I could go and pour out my heart to. There were never secrets between us. My friends would be amazed at how open I was with her about everything. There were times when my friends came to my house to share their feelings with my mother instead of their own. Yet I was the one with strict curfews. It is an extremely rare kind of relationship that I have with my parents. They always gave me my freedom yet set boundaries to that freedom. I never felt stifled like some of my friends did and yet I knew that there were limits that I wasn’t allowed to cross. Some of my friends also tried to tell me that I was being “controlled” by my parents a little too much but somehow I never felt it. I was pampered within limits. Even if not at that immediate moment, my parents have always given me whatever I have asked for and when they couldn’t, they explained. That according to me is perfect parenting!

But pampering these days has a different meaning altogether! Kids decide what’s acceptable and what’s not. Parents can’t stop boasting about their kids, to the point that it starts annoying the people around them. If not everyone, at least it annoys me. If I go to someone’s house, kids are the central point of conversation at all times. Its always about how great their kid is, how much they have accomplished in such a short period of time and how incredibly talented their kid is. My parents never did that. Does that mean my parents weren’t proud of me? I am pretty sure they felt that my actions should speak for me. They always felt that if I was a great kid, my behavior and my achievements would show that. My parents didn’t need to boast about it. In fact, I believe it would have taken away credit from my achievements if they had to boast to people to bring my achievements to the spotlight. Kids screaming around when we are trying to have a conversation, aren’t smart and talented according to me. They are unruly and need discipline. They need to be taught how to behave. If all the parents want to do is spend time with their children, then they shouldn’t invite people over. My father would argue that people want to show how wonderful their kid is. But my counter would be that they didn’t invite people over to just show how great their kid is. And those who do, I don’t understand them.

It is a very weird world out there. Small things like these widespread observations make me realize that I really am different and mostly that I don’t fit in with the people I am around because of my difference in opinions. It’s hard to express these opinions when I am one in a sea of people with opinions completely opposite to mine. For this, I blame my parents. Why did they have to be so different? Yes, I am biased towards my parents and say that theirs was the perfect parenting style. But why did they have to be perfect? Why couldn’t they have been like these other weird people? I may have turned out like these people and not have felt like I don’t belong here or in this century for that matter!