Recently, it was a friend’s birthday and since he was away from family and a little blue, I decided to do something small and nice to cheer him up. I brought a small birthday cake for him to cut and we went out to have a lavish meal. The night before he was craving a pizza (and honestly so was I) so I gave him a small pizza treat as well. Once he cut his cake, I took pictures like I usually do and posted them on social media for his friends and family to see. He was okay with it until he suddenly realized that his bride-to-be would see it and that would cause a turmoil in the so called loving and calm relationship. He immediately asked me to take those pics down if I didn’t want to cause a “break-up”.
I mocked him a little but complied. What I didn’t expect was to be actually annoyed at this request or if I may generalize it, to this sort of thinking. This couple is soon to be married and the wife-to-be is so insecure that she can’t accept that the husband-to-be is spending his birthday with another girl in another country? A girl, who I am told, is very modern, self-sufficient and ambitious, who would cause issues on comments from unruly boys doing what they do best, mock their friend and tease him for having fun with a girl, is definitely not modern. In fact, it brings to question the security and trust in that relationship. It brings into question, the fate of such a relationship in the long run. If a relationship between a couple is new and still in its formative stage, such insecurities may even make sense. But when they have been together for over 7 years and are about to be married, what does this sort of unrest show? The girl in question works for an IT firm and is currently posted onsite in London and is apparently managing everything by herself and enjoying herself as well. Yet, she would take issue to the fact that her husband-to-be is spending some time with another girl in a foreign country. Had she met a man in London, who is from her country and also from her city, would she not become friends and spend time when alone? The husband-to-be in question, has mentioned to his bride-to-be that I exist, but he hasn’t told her what we do and how much time we spend together. I am offended by this because I believe people hide things only when there is bad intent involved. But not being open about something out of fear for being misunderstood is worse.
This makes me question my own thinking and my own views regarding the matter. Am I the only one who thinks that this type of thinking is rotten and extremely derogatory to the image of today’s woman? Today, Women are independent and have a life of their own. They have their own identity and do not need to hold on to a man to validate their existence. Women crave for a personal life of their own too where they can be free and enjoy with friends, both male and female. Women are always blamed when it comes to men losing their freedom in a marriage. A woman is portrayed as this pain in the neck who just cribs and nags and has no life of her own and latches on to and ruins the man’s personal space. When a wedding is to take place, the groom tries to enjoy his last couple of days of freedom as if once married, he is going to go to prison and life will forever be over for him. It is girls like this girl, who give women across the world this image of a control freak ruining men’s freedom once married.
I have forever been vocal about my displeasure on men cribbing about their wives. I immediately raise the question on why they got married in the first place if they knew they would be so miserable. Every time I get the same answer and that infuriates me even more. In India, it’s a very common saying – “Shaadi ka ladoo, khaye to pachtaye, na khaye to pachtaye”. It loosely translates to “Wedding is something that you regret if you do and you regret even if you don’t do”. I have never understood this ideology and I don’t believe I ever will. My logic is simple, if you love someone and get married to that person, it means you intend to live life together and have faith in each other that you will support each other throughout your lives and it means by default that you both accept each other and no one else as partners for life. How you make this whole thing work out keeping your personal lives intact while leading a joint life is for you to work out and maintain for as long as you are together, is entirely up to you. I would have thought all this is common sense! I didn’t know that I am the odd one out who thinks this way.
I agree it is absolutely essential for bother partners in the relationship to have downtime for themselves and it is equally essential to spend time with each other. If there is no balance between the two, insecurity arises. But there has to be an open dialogue. If you hide things for fear of misunderstanding, it is both the girls fault (for not having an open mind) and the boy’s fault (for hiding and causing a situation leading to doubt) or vice versa if that’s the case. Blaming the girl for mood swings and one track minds and god alone knows what other excuses men have created over time, only degrade the image of women further.
Similarly, many a times, the girl is afraid to speak up for fear of being misunderstood by the boy. Boys have another tool that they use to control outcomes in relationships and that is ego. Having spoken about the girl’s fault until now, it is only fair that I point out the flaws from the opposite side as well. Ego, self-importance and increasing vanity among men/boys these days is also detrimental to a relationship and a potential marriage. If a man can’t accept that a woman is his equal in every respect in today’s world and try to walk side by side instead of in front of the woman, then once again, there will never be peace and happiness in the relationship. Blaming a woman for his failures or like in India some boys do, blaming a girl’s “stars” for his misfortunes just be association, only shows how backward and ignorant the boy is.
It is usually very hard to be practical and think things through when people are in relationships because most of the time spent in a relationship is spent to please the other (if at all they care) or in blaming each other for frustrations in other aspects of life. It is rare to find a well-balanced relationship that fulfils you completely mentally and emotionally as well. There are enough challenges that our professional lives will throw at us. Most of the time, these challenges will be out of our control and we will have to fight to face them. If we want to succeed, we need to be well equipped mentally and physically. If half the time we are emotionally and mentally tied up battling with our personal problems with partners, how will we succeed as individuals in life? Personally, in my opinion, when I ask myself what is most important to me in life, it is happiness. I want to be content. More than materialistic things, I crave for mental peace. Sometimes, materialistic things give me happiness. For that I need money. And that is why I pursue excellence in my career. It is what I believe defines me and gives me a social standing. It helps me make people stand up and take notice and maybe someday even give me respect. But a partnership/relationship from my own experiences as well as looking at my peers only causes insecurities and adds mental and emotional instability. The only relationship that causes very little stress is the relationship I share with my parents. There are ups and downs in that relationship as well. Not all opinions match and we sometimes struggle with sharing and caring in that relationship as well. But marriages and relationships add a different kind of stress because it brings with itself the biggest human emotion of all, expectations. Today, expectations are sky high and tolerance is buried in the ground. This breeds discontent and that leads to trust issues. There are the occasional few who have built a family, have had children and are slogging through life. But I do not see such a life for myself. The world is too messed up in the head for me to bother trying to find someone who thinks like me and who I would be comfortable sharing by life with. I have not given up hope yet that I may find such a person someday but this recent incident and all my experiences in the short life I’ve led so far tell me otherwise.
Musings of a confused nut! 