So, I am turning 29 this week! Hard to believe I am so grown up! On the cusp of my 30th birthday, I want to take a moment to reflect on my achievements and struggles to put my life into perspective, for my own sake. I have just one year left to achieve all that I wanted to by the time I am 30! And that is scary.
In today’s world of over achieving individuals left right and center, it is hard to be an ordinary person who is taking their own sweet time to get to wherever it is that one should get to. The fact that everyone knows where they want to get to and I am still referring to it as “wherever” is in itself scary. In a previous post, I had mentioned that my life’s goal was to be happy and content. I would love to be out of the metaphorical “rat race”, living somewhere away from the crowds but close enough to be able to dip my toe in, should I ever feel like it. Won’t that be “the life”? But that’s a dream. The real world is no where close to it. Some would say the dream can be a reality but you need to work towards it. I would argue by saying that by the time I get to the dream world, who knows if I will have the health and energy left to live it. Its a classic argument towards the increasing trend of relative youngsters living the dream life out of their dream paychecks and their dream jobs at the peak of their careers. And that’s when the panic sets in. When you realize how far you are away from that dream life and how so many of your peers (people of almost the same age as you) are living that life every single day, you get a sense that you have failed before you have even gotten a chance to start. You feel like you have missed the bus and the next one (if it ever arrives) will only delay life further so why even wait for it?
By the age of 30, ideally, I would have loved to have had a high paying job, with a family to come home to, a home of course, and friends and opportunities to travel and see the world. When I look closely though, I have each of these currently, and these are all achievements in a manner (especially since quite a few people are much less fortunate) but not in the ideal way that I would have liked. I have a high paying job (higher than the country average standards) but all my essential expenses are so high that I am barely surviving! I have a family, my dad and my dog, but my dad is in a different country and my dog is the only one I go home to everyday. I have a “home” but I am constantly unsettled in terms of where I want to build my permanent home. No place feels like home yet. Renting apartments and constantly feeling like I can’t make it as personalized as I would like since I don’t know if I am settling here long term is, well, unsettling! Friends, now that’s a problem. I have friends but I don’t have friends. Difficult to explain that one, really! But that’s a personality issue that, quite frankly, will never be resolved! Opportunities to travel are a little tight when I have just two weeks of holidays each year and I need to plan for trips back home which leaves me with barely enough days to plan a good experience abroad, not to mention, I am dependent on my father for money to actually enjoy the trips the way I have been used to since childhood. I need a travel allowance!!! Anyway, when I look at peers, it appears as if the grass is greener on their side! So many of them have their own homes, have higher salaries than mine, are so much more established in their fields, have a life that’s nothing short of perfect in my eyes! On the flip side, I have no insight into their struggles. I’m assuming they have some. If they don’t, I would have massive issues about the fairness of life.
That’s what the fear of turning 30 is doing to me. Not to mention, turning 30 means you are just 10 years away from the “mid-life crisis” phase that everyone seems to really fear. If I couldn’t accomplish my dreams in these last 10 years, what makes it certain or even plausible that I can in the next 10 years? I can’t even decide a field or a certain position to build my career on. Now that I have chosen a path, the patience is eluding me. How long would it take for my life to get an some sort of a track where uncertainty is slightly more curbed? Should I have found that by now? 30 sounds like an age where you should have had everything figured out and have a plan ready for execution to get you to that “happy place”. I have just one year to get that squared away! I can already feel the pressure mounting! The pressure is what takes away the feeling of achievement.
Reflecting on the past years, I finished my bachelors and masters and have two established companies in my portfolio of employers, moved countries, lost one half of my support system, realized one of my longest cravings for a pet, learnt to live life independently (for the most part – I still depend on my father for some things but then I believe that will forever remain that way), bought my own car with my first ever loan and am healthy and able enough to support another life (my dog). I am sure countless people out there are struggling to achieve even half of all this. I am lucky to be where I am, but its human tendency to look at the people doing better and aim to not just get close, but to over take them. And 30 seems like a number that makes this seem harder and harder!
Musings of a confused nut! 