Where do I belong?

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Just yesterday, I wrote about being a global citizen and gave an in-depth viewpoint of the two countries that I technically call home. Today, I want to tackle a very personal issue; the question of where I truly belong.

Legally, I am not an Indian. I am an American. That means, I am a citizen of USA and while USA allows dual citizenship, India does not so I cannot legally, be a citizen of both my home countries. I have the next best option, the overseas citizenship of India which is their equivalent of a Green Card in the US. That gives me almost all the rights of an Indian citizenship but adds some restrictions. On a day to day basis, these restrictions don’t mean all that much. I am in no rush to purchase agricultural land or vote in the Indian elections! This brings me to the core issue.

I spent all my childhood and early adulthood in India. I did my schooling and bachelors degree in India. The first time I felt a difference with respect to citizenship was when I entered the workforce. While I needed special work permit to enter the company, it wasn’t the rule that was the problem. It was the arduous process to get the work permit that was the problem. It made me realize for the first time that this was the first in many cases that would happen in my life where I would have to follow a different process than my peers, to lead a normal life. This feeling was reinforced when I left my first job to move to the US for my MBA. Usually, when you leave a job, your provident funds (retirement funds like 401K in the US) are returned to you by your employer. In my case, they said they cannot legally give it back to me until my retirement age of 59. At the time, I was 24. That meant, I would not see the Rs 65,000 that I had collected over my time there for another 35 years. That’s hard earned money that effectively is lost for me. It made me realize that working in India would never really be suitable to me because I would never have the freedom/flexibility to move around in my career without leaving a trail of money that I earned, behind. Of course, there is the possibility that I will receive a hefty check once I hit 59 from these companies but is there a guarantee? In today’s world of crisis and ever changing economic conditions, is there a guarantee that these companies will still be standing and in a position to return my money? Let’s say they are still standing, and in a position to return my money, will they remember that they have the obligation? I guess its on me to remind them. But can you imagine all the hassles I will have to go through to even start? I will always be a second class citizen in India. This was just one case of difference. Had I continued my life there, who knows what other differences might have propped up. India will always be home but never fully. So, in India, legally, I will never be an equal, even though socially, I am just like everyone else in the country!

What about America? I am a citizen of this country. Legally, I have every right that a white or black or Hispanic American has. But when you look at me, when you speak to me, you don’t know that I have an American passport. That is not stamped on my forehead. There have been cases where White Americans have asked me why my English is so good even though I am from India. I was also yelled at by a lady at the movies because my friend didn’t notice her and hold the door for her. She said we should go back to “our” country because in “her” country, people have manners. I am paraphrasing because she used some very bad grammar. She also muttered that we have taken away their jobs which also irked me since she didn’t seem the type to actually even know what working would be like. Okay, that may be a bit harsh but at the time, it was enough to make my blood boil. It was hard for me to control the urge to yell back correcting her grammar and letting her know that this is my country too. I have also had African American people look at me and whisper among themselves as if I belong to a different planet. I’ve been yelled at for no apparent reason just because my cart touched their child while standing at the checkout counter, never mind that their children were rolling around the floor and picking everything they could get their hands on from the aisles by the checkout counter, sometimes trying to push my cart to get to those items all while these ladies were too busy chatting on phone or gossiping with the cashier. All these incidents could just be a coincidence or something (completely unrelated to me) may have affected the moods of these people that made them lash out. I always give others the benefit of the doubt. But there is a point where you begin to question yourself. How many times can you just give them the benefit of the doubt? My skin color and my accent will never allow me to be treated as an equal. I could try the fake accent that many of my peers use, but that’s not me. My father once commented on my driving saying if I speed too much, the cops will certainly pull me over. They would excuse a white person (maybe) but I will definitely be pulled over. While I didn’t give it much thought at the time, with recent events related to blatant racism in the country, can I afford to ignore that comment? I am not walking around every day with my passport to prove to everyone I meet that I am a citizen, just as they are. I recently bought a house and I chose a neighborhood which made me feel happier, more cozy, more homely and the biggest draw was all the parks nearby that I could take my dogs to walk in. It didn’t strike me at the time that this is a predominantly white neighborhood. I was made aware of that by a friend who thought I made a mistake choosing this neighborhood for that express reason. My father had some concerns as well though he didn’t expressly say I made a mistake. He left the decision to me. Its been a little over a month and while I haven’t seen much diversity in the neighborhood, I have not faced any issues myself. In fact, some neighbors that I have had the chance of meeting have been really friendly. But I hate the fact that I have this idea at the back of my mind now that I need to always be careful and watchful. Even on my resume, my career coaches at my MBA school said I need to explicitly mention that I am a citizen otherwise my job applications would be rejected. How do I combat these kind of situations? While most people have been very nice to me, embraced me and included me in their private lives, there are always these one off instances that remind me that I will always be a second class citizen here. So, in America, socially, I will never be an equal, even though legally, I am just like everyone else in this country!

In the beginning of this article, I compared the overseas citizenship of India to the green card effectively comparing my plight with that of the countless people from India who are currently staying in America. Some might say that they face the same dilemma. But I do not agree. They have the option (in some cases they may not want it) to go back to India where legally and socially they will face no discrimination. At least they have one place where they can be treated equal. That will never be the case for me or for people who have given up their Indian citizenship to take up American citizenship, whether by birth or naturalization. In such a case, you are technically without a “home”. Again, not everyone will agree. Some people might never have even thought this way. This is just my observation and what I feel. I am, in no way, forcing any opinion on anyone.

So, where can I feel like a first class citizen? Is there a place that I can feel comfortable to be just me? Where will I be an equal both legally and socially? Where do I belong?