Last year, around this time of the year, I completed 30 years on this earth. This automatically means, this year, I am turning 31, in a year that has seen one of the worst pandemics in the world in decades no less. A friend of mine, called me up today to ask me how I am feeling. I was thrown aback a little because I hadn’t really given it any thought. As a person, I have always enjoyed birthdays, in general, because I believe it’s the one day I can celebrate just me! It’s the one day, I am officially allowed to feel special! I don’t look at it as becoming older or one more year lost. Its plain and simple, an annual “me” day! I can ask my dad for gift/s “officially”. I can ask him for gifts any day of the year, really, but this time of year, it’s my right!
So, when my friend asked me if I have done any introspection on my life and what I am feeling about where I am in life, it probably warranted some thought. While thinking out loud with him, I thought of a lot of things that I usually just take for granted. I don’t take nearly as much time out of life to appreciate all that I have achieved so far. We spend so much of our lives just running after something or the other, that days turn into months which turn into years and before we realize it, life has passed us by. I want to take this opportunity to do another reflection of my life so far and do what I do best, write about it!
In my 31 years so far, I have lived a life of privilege. I am extremely thankful to the higher powers that govern this earth, for never really showing me the ugly side of life. I pray that I don’t ever have to. I have almost always led a very protected life. Up until the age of 25, my parents took care of almost all my basic necessities, both financially and emotionally. I may have pretended to be an adult during my life in Pune when I was staying away from my home for those 2.5 years in my early 20s but I was fooling nobody! At the drop of a hat, I could hop on a bus and go home. Or, if I called my mother, it would take her a grand total of 3 hours to get to me. We actually utilized this privilege when I fell ill once and needed my parents right away! I always took that luxury for granted. Afterall, parents are meant to be taken for granted. Or so I thought.
I have led such a protected life, that I never felt the need to think for myself. I never felt the urge to distinguish myself from my parents and create my own identity. I was happy staying in my little bubble in the shadow of my parents. In retrospect, that may not have been a very good idea but at the time, I just didn’t feel the need. I was lucky enough to get just the right percentage in studies to make my way to the next stage in life. I never excelled but I never lagged behind either. I was fine with the way life was going. I used to say, I’ll go wherever the wind takes me. I was privileged enough that that principle worked for me until the age of 25! How many people can claim to be that lucky? As I write this, I can feel the irony pop up in my brain because I remember how I would complain to my mother about how I thought I was real unlucky in life. Funnily enough, I can’t even remember anymore why I ever thought that.
Another aspect of life that felt was already in place, albeit with some roadblocks ahead, but still manageable in my mind, was my relationship with my boyfriend at the time. I knew my parents didn’t like him but I felt it would all sort out somehow, in the end. I had assumed I would marry him and life would just go by even if it was with some irritations in life as I had come to accept that our relationship will always have to fight money issues and insecurities in general. It never occurred to me that I could walk out. It never occured to me that I deserved better. It just felt like this was just how it was meant to be. It angered my parents to see me resign to this but somehow, I could never get out of it.
As is quite clear, up until 24 years and 10 months of my life, I never did anything extra ordinary or even dreamed of any kind of a life for myself. I didn’t achieve anything for myself and I didnt even think I really wanted anything out of life. I just assumed life would always be spent under the watchful eye of my parents, even after I eventually got married and “built my own life”.
Then came moment which would lead to a turning point in life. It came quietly, just after my 24th birthday. I received my MBA admit from Purdue University, Indiana, USA. Even then, it didn’t feel like this would be life altering. What turned everything around, almost instantaneously, was the loss of my mother, a few months after. While I have always considered myself to be a “daddy’s girl”, in retrospect, I was much more dependent on my mother than I realized. Her loss brought it home. Within a month of losing her, I uprooted my whole life and moved to the United States of America. It never occured to me that I could have chosen to not move. I just went with the flow. It may have been the single most important decision of my whole life so far.
Once I came to the United States, I battled with three simultaneously very important issues that has completely altered me forever. My first battle was with myself on finding a way to deal with not being able to pick up the phone and tell my mother every single second of my new life. My dependence on my father was very different and while I tried to burden him with my need to talk to my mother, it would never really be the same. My second battle was with trying to deal with the absolute worst side of my relationship with my boyfriend. At a time when he should have been my biggest support, he turned out to be the worst kind of mental abuse that I could have ever imagined. The third battle was trying to find an internship/job on my own while maintaining my grades through the first two battles. The first semester was terrible. It felt better when I got to see my father again for my first ever christmas in the USA in Chicago. Christmas has always been one of my most favorite festivals of the year. I managed to stay afloat.
I celebrated my first birthday in the US, my 25th birthday, alone, few weeks after moving to the US. At midnight, my roomates helped me cut the cake my father sent me. But that was it. Hardly anyone even knew it was my birthday. The happiest day of the year suddenly felt sad. It was the second turning point in my life. It jolted me to believe that it was upto me alone to quit feeling so helpless and build a life for myself. Since then, I have only moved forward. There have been a few major bumps along the way. I may not even have handled all of them as well as I could have. But I did the best I could, under the circumstances.
In the 6 years since I came to the US,
- I received my MBA
- I got an internship at Ford Motor Company which I later converted into a full time offer
- I became almost 95% financially independent (I still need help from my father financially sometimes!), with reasonably responsible financial habits
- I became strong enough to FINALLY quit the abusive relationship I was in
- I became a pet parent to 2 beautiful dogs (I still cant believe that 2 beating hearts depend on me to keep them alive, happy and healthy)
- I bought my own car and this year, my very own house, all on my own savings (I could have borrowed from my father to go grander but I chose to stay within my means)
- As of this month, I finally made it into my dream job, something I have been chasing from the time I finally realized what really interested me enough to want to get up every morning and get out of bed
I feel like I was reborn 6 years ago. And in 6 years, I have built a life that I am content with. There might be a ton of things incomplete in this life. One thing that comes to mind, is the lack of companionship. My dogs are my life and they are pretty much the ONE thing that keeps me going. In the absence of my parents, they give me joy, a purpose to do well. But I can’t help but feel the picture might be incomplete. But then again, I don’t feel like it’s something that keeps me up at night. If I ever find the right companion, things may change. But I am okay if I don’t. I feel happy and at peace sitting in my backyard while I write this. In this cool breeze, hearing the crickets chirp in the background, watching my dogs barking at the squirrels chasing each other on the branches of the tree above me, I feel a sense of calm that makes me feel fortunate to have achieved all that I have and makes me look forward to what the years ahead have in store for me. I miss sharing this with my mother and my grandfather. I am grateful to be able to share this with my father, even if it is virtually.
What is most important is this – I am blessed and I most certainly am very lucky indeed. Cheers to the past 31 years of my life and here’s looking forward to year number 32!
Musings of a confused nut! 