As is quite common with me, I was recently inspired to switch on my laptop, open my blog and type up the words rushing through my head. This time, the inspiration came from Mulan; not the original Disney animated movie from back in the day. I just saw the 2020 live action version. Honestly, this one was better. The story is slightly different from the one I remember seeing in the animated version and I like this one more. Out of all the recent live action Disney movies that were a remake of the original animated movies (I do not count the Maleficent movies in this list), this one is definitely one I will come back to watch again and again. In this movie, there is a beautiful balance of devotion to family and duty with a very slight nod to romance at the very end. It is this last bit that differs from the animated movie and that struck me as simply beautiful.
This inspires me to write today. This inspires me to write about my father and me. In my 50 or so blog posts so far, I have written a lot of posts just about my parents and my father. How will this post be any different? It may not be. But I still want to write as my writings are my way of capturing my emotions at that moment.
I was particularly touched by the father-daughter relationship shown here. Even though the original movie had a similar storyline about the bond, this movie felt more real and deep. My favorite character in this movie was Mulan’s father. He is proud of the free spirit his daughter is and encouraged her to hone her skills and be independent and different even though he sees the disapproval of his wife and his community. He senses her capabilities and never tries to bind her. But when she grows up, into a beautiful woman, he realizes a girl’s duty is to bring honor to the family by marrying and it is the man’s duty to provide for the family. Because of this, he makes her promise to hide her “chi”, her extra-ordinary gifts, her free spirit. When Mulan leaves to join the imperial army in place of him, without telling him, he prays to their ancestors to protect her for the mistake she makes and apologizes for not binding her spirit sooner. But, when his daughter returns after the fight, victorious, and she apologizes to him for bringing dishonor to the family because she didn’t follow her father’s instructions, he says it is he who should apologize. He says he never really saw her until then and embraces her proudly. He stands up for her when the imperial army general comes, mistaking his arrival as an attack on Mulan. In conclusion, it is indicated that she takes up the emperor’s offer to join the Imperial Guards. At the end, he proudly narrates – “The green shoot has grown up to the sky, and her ancestors celebrate her in the vault of the heavens. The girl became a soldier. The soldier became a leader. And the leader…became a legend.”
While I am no warrior and certainly not yet victorious in my regular battles of what I hope to be a long life, I can’t help but draw some parallel to Mulan’s struggles to break free from expectations and just be her courageous self. I can’t help but draw a parallel between Mulan’s father and my own. All my life, I have had the privilege of being a free spirit and doing (or maybe not doing) whatever I please. I can’t say I am as talented and focused on a goal as Mulan. In some ways, I am still trying to find my “chi”. But in recent years, I feel the pressures of conforming to society’s expectations, sometimes impressed upon me quite harshly by my own father. Mulan fought a battle with bravery and loyalty and saved an empire and then returned home. In a way, I chose a path for myself and have set on it. I am still fighting my battles. Will I ever return home victorious, when my father too will proudly embrace me and finally accept me as me and relinquish the pressures that societal norms puts on us?
Recently, my father and I had a fallout on some miscommunication between us on these lines. It was a long time coming. We belong to different ideologies when it comes to this one topic. I pride myself in being fair, something my father and I share. But in this particular case, we each felt the other was being unfair. The topic of the fallout – my marriage.
My father’s point of view –
Life cannot be spent alone. Life can be harsh and can deal plenty of blows which are too much for any person to carry alone. This year has been an eye opener especially, with covid, people falling ill, needing special care. I live alone. If something were to happen to me, who would take care of me? Who would take me to a hospital? Who would take care of my dogs? When I am going through troubles, who will I talk it out with? Who’s counsel can I seek? I lives miles away from him, with no family to speak of, for miles and miles. My father will not live forever. Once he is gone, who will be there for me? For him, now that he is retired, and his partner has passed away, he feels the loneliness that he wishes I never have to feel. Day after day he spends not even opening his mouth until we speak at the end of my day. He cannot see that same life for me from such a young age. For him it was not in his hands that right when he needed his partner the most, she left. But for me its a choice to be alone at this point and he cannot sit and watch. The only option for me is to get married and gain a family through that.
My point of view –
I don’t want to be alone. I am not a person who can live life forever without having someone to take advice from. I need someone to talk to. Having said that, as a person I struggle to make friends. In my 30 years of life, I am close to only about 3 or 4 people outside my immediate family. It is only these 3 or 4 people I can ever open up to and ask for favors or advice or support of any kind and these relationships have taken years to build. With these friends, it is okay if they aren’t completely like minded when it comes to ideologies and basic instincts because they are friends and if needed we can distance from them. Even with that option, I have very high standards when it comes to making close friendships. Not everyone I call a friend really knows me inside out. But for a life partner, I need someone who I can be completely comfortable with. We may disagree on some things but the underlying principles should be the same. I have much higher standards in that regard. These standards have been reinforced because of my harrowing experience in the past. It has shaped who I am and changed me forever. Its made me more principled and determined. If I can’t make friends as easily, how can I be expected to find a husband under such pressure? If I am forced to meet and marry someone within a year or even two years, how do we know I will eventually open up and be able to seek counsel and advice like I do from my father? My father is someone I take completely for granted and he is the only person in the world who knows me inside out. Others see a version of me, very few people see the full me. How can I just suddenly alter my personality of 31 years to open up with a stranger in such a manner? I used to be mentally very weak, something which led to being exploited. I’ve worked very hard to get over that weakness. It is something I cannot compromise with, going forward. I realize the fears of being alone. I realize the challenges I can face being alone. But, it is my belief that whatever happens, happens for a reason and nothing happens until it is meant to happen. I have never been religious or even spiritual but I have always believed in a higher power – destiny. If I am destined to be married, someone, someday, will come into my life and things will automatically fall into place, whether I act on it consciously or not. If I am destined to be alone, there will always be provisions in life to help me get out of difficulties should I see such times. I was able to work out my weaknesses on my own and become who I am today on my own. I will deal with whatever is thrown my way on my own as well. Sometimes I will succeed, sometimes I will fail. Life goes on.
With two differing perspectives, we are at an impasse. For now, we have called a truce by agreeing to never speak about this issue. How long do you think we can actually not talk about this? It will loom over every conversation we ever have like a huge elephant in the room. It is bound to keep popping up between us. There are other underlying issues between the two of us that stem from this bigger issue and when those cracks surface, we are bound to have another fallout. I have always considered my relationship with my parents to be solid as diamond – the hardest rock on the planet. But diamonds get chipped too.
My father recently went through the covid experience. He was panicked. I was panicked. But we never spoke of it. If I asked him about his health, he would just brush it off. That’s how he is. He has never been a person who opens up and discusses issues with anyone. He prefers to deal with his struggles, fears, frustrations alone. When he tells me that I need someone to help me deal with life, it feels contradictory because he rarely shared anything with anyone. But he says he would talk things over with my mother sometimes and that helped. I understand. I wish I had a partner by now. I see many of my peers married, with children, happily settled in life. But most of my married and happily settled friends aren’t as ahead in their career as I am. They aren’t as focused to get somewhere as I am. I feel lucky I can focus all my energies on building a career that I want for myself without distractions, without compromises. I feel extremely proud of what I have built for myself in a short span of about 5 years. Why shouldn’t I be allowed to enjoy some pride and appreciation for these accomplishments?
Until I find a partner to share my worries, fears and challenges with, I will share it with my father. After my father is gone, I won’t share it with anyone. Did I ever imagine a life where my mother wasn’t just a phone call away? Did I ever imagine that I could go days without sharing with her every single detail of my new life in the US? All my joys and sorrows? And yet, this year is the 6th year I have spent without hearing her voice. She always used to say that everyone moves on. Life doesn’t halt because someone died, even if that someone is your parent. It’s a reality I will have to deal with. If I have to deal with it alone, I will. I would prefer to not have to but I can’t force myself to be anything I am not just for fear of being alone.
All I know is, I will fight and I will survive.
Musings of a confused nut! 