It is funny how even the people who you believe to be most mature and trustworthy turn out to be childish and immature and it is funnier still how profound an impact their behavior may have on your frame of mind. People are complicated. That is a known fact. Everyone has their own problems and their own issues in life. They feel that the issues they face are more serious than issues that others face. It is friends and family that one turns to for comfort in such times when taking even one step forward in life seems to turn into a burden. There are also people who are so closed inside that they struggle within themselves to take those steps because they are not the kind to share their problems, even if it is just to unburden their minds, with anyone for fear that they would unnecessarily be burdening others. All I’ll say is to each, his/her own.
I am of the former kind who turns to others to help me calm myself when I get riled up or start worrying about myself or even sometimes start taking pity on myself for all that I have to face on a daily basis. Sometimes I fight within myself to stand up with my head straight without telling anyone anything and that takes up a lot of my mental peace and most precious of all, time. Sometimes I feel weary of telling people for fear that what they may have to say might take away some of my self-confidence, something that I already have very little of. But most of time, I need to tell someone and take their consoling, however fake it might sometimes be, to make myself believe that things will be alright again and I will be fine at the end of it all. Sometimes, I just need an outlet to babble and get everything off my chest. With complicated relationships, it’s hard to even do that for fear of being judged and misunderstood. There are very few people I trust with this grave responsibility in life and as far as I know, I never felt the graveness of this number till I had my mother around. She was the main pillar around which I could add and subtract this trust circle without a care in the world. But with her gone, I finally realize that I have just 2 to 3 people in that circle.
Today, one of those 3 broke a trust. Somehow I feel betrayed. I feel like I’m being punished for voicing my opinion on something we have already talked before. I believed that we could talk about anything under the sun without being afraid of losing one another as a trusted friend, without judgement and any apprehensions of being misunderstood. We have had disagreements before but his behavior today seemed childish and somewhat grave in my mind. I have always believed that he and I don’t truly fit into today’s generation in terms of our thinking and beliefs even though between ourselves we differ on a lot of grounds. And this difference was the major reason of a strong bond of friendship between us. There was always an unexplained level of comfort between us that both of us cherished and sometimes maybe even exploited. But I still thought he was more mature and I honestly strive to be like him someday, knowledgeable with a sound but sometimes wacky head.
Apart from my father, I’ve never really felt like I want to be like someone someday but this friend came very close to that level in my mind. Today he decides to block me on WhatsApp for a couple of days as he needs a time out! This was so highly childish of him that it enraged me and shocked me that he could even do such an immature thing. Blocking someone just for a while is something that boyfriends and girlfriends of today’s generation do just for the heck of it. I thought our friendship was beyond such stupidity. But it apparently is not. I didn’t think he could have such an impact on my mind with such a small activity but this puts a crack on that proverbial glass plate of mine. It’s always been my belief that friendships for me are like glass plates; a glass plate, once broken can be glued back together even if you don’t find all the finer chips, it will still be a plate and it might even be a usable one, but no matter how hard you try, you will never be able to get rid of the crack marks. They will remain forever. In my mind, which I will not say is unique but, like that plate, once a friendship has a crack on it, I may be able to open myself up again after a long period, but I will never forget the crack and the reason behind it. It’s one of my major flaws. I may forgive, but I can never forget. The matter gets even more serious when it happens with someone from my innermost circle, even if it is related to my parents.
Blocking a friend is not a concept I can ever even try to understand. You block people who are troubling you to avoid them and if really serious raise a complaint against them or report them. But how does one block a friend and then say that we can still message on Facebook. What does that even mean? That too because we have a disagreement on some issues that he is facing and is assuming that I am being flippant about them. Such a small thing, that happens with us all the time, doesn’t warrant a blocking. This is childish and normally I would dismiss it.
But this is bothering me at a much deeper level. Personally, I’ve always believed loyalty to be my most prized characteristic. My father always said that I have no pride in myself but I have immense pride in my loyalty to my friends and family, more so to my innermost circle. I go to great lengths to keep my inner circle happy. When that loyalty and friendship is questioned, or when I’m accused of not understanding, it tears me apart. I am proud to a fault that i am extremely empathetic and all professional and standardized tests I’ve ever taken have always given the same results to prove my pride. Its actually funny that I was extremely disappointed when my professional strengths turned out to be empathy and all my other classmates for good ones like leadership, authority, confidence and what not!
Today, my circle of trust just reduced some more. It’s hard to add someone new to that circle when people I’ve known for 10 years begin to drop from that circle. The circle normally forms in our early life and stays the same as a support system. Rarely ever does a new person you meet later on in life, enter that circle. One by one, I’m losing my support system. And this troubles me deeply. My trust issues seem to deepen with no visible solution in the near future.
Here’s to hoping there will be some positive change somewhere, something out of the ordinary that instills trust once again so that my mind sees some semblance of peace and overcomes constant disappointment.
Musings of a confused nut! 