And, with the blink of an eye, its 10 years.
It still feels like yesterday when I was stroking your head to help relieve your headache. It still feels like yesterday when I was stark raving mad at the ER staff for ignoring you while they giggled around with each other on some social media posts. It still feels like yesterday when I went numb as Babi told me they were pulling your plug. It still feels like yesterday, when I realized that the crematorium was the last place I would ever see and touch you.
Yet, its seems like forever since I heard you calling out to me. Yet, it seems like forever since I felt your magical hands on my forehead nursing my migraine away. Yet, it seems like forever since I saw your name on my caller ID. It seems like forever since I fought with you and immediately regretted it and tried to make up. Yet, it seems like forever since we laughed together. Yet, it seems like forever since the three of us were the three of us!
It is impossible to even describe the impact of losing you. 10 years on, I cannot help but reflect on some themes of our conversations as I grew up.
Maturity
We had countless arguments around a simple topic of maturity, a standard parent child argument – when do you know your child has matured enough for you to let them live life on their own terms? Both Babi and you always maintained that I’m not mature enough. Babi probably still thinks that. Maybe even I do. I still remember your simple answer – you can never be sure that I am completely matured. You said, all you could be sure of was that you brought me up with general good values. My actions / responses to situations that life throws at me would truly prove my maturity and that you would love to wait and watch how I turned out through these situations. I still wonder what you would think, seeing my life today. Would you still say you don’t have enough data to be able to decide? I regret that you didn’t get to see the incredible change I have been through in this past decade.
Self-Esteem
As a child, I spent countless hours with you crying about the smallest of tiffs with school friends or my insecurities around my weakness about caring too much about what my peers thought about me. Right from my school life, you always coached me that the only way to truly be happy, was for me to look inward, to myself, to find what truly made me happy. What others thought about me was irrelevant because we could never make everyone happy. You said, everything I needed to be happy, could be found within me, if I just paid attention. I never understood how that was even possible. Now, 10 years later, the weight of your coaching has finally sunk in. Today, I am a much more comfortable in my own skin and more self reliant. I regret that you didn’t get to see the incredible change I have been through in this past decade.
Independence
As a child, in fact, well into my twenties, I had been dependent on Babi and you. Whether it was for financial reasons or for deciding my future or even for the simplest of day to day life like laundry or grocery shopping. At the time, I just never thought there was a need to step out from the comforts of your protection. I realize today, the concern Babi and you would have shared that I wasn’t showing any ambitions or even an inclination of wanting some semblance of independence. Today, however, everything has changed. Life is markedly different and I am sure you would have appreciated the difference. I have built a life, with my job, my house and most importantly, two wet noses that depend on me for their well being and sustenance. I regret that you didn’t get to see the incredible change I have been through in this past decade.
Life
One of my clearest memories is a conversation we had on one of the death anniversaries of your mother. We never particularly observed her death anniversary but that day, it felt different. We got to talking about her, like we did often. You mentioned that over the years, while you missed her, life went on for everyone around her. People moved on and that’s normal. You said that we would move on too once you left. I remember scoffing at that. It was not because I disagreed with you. It was because I could never even imagine there being a possibility of life without you. I brought up another thing you had said in one of our previous conversations – you couldn’t leave me until you knew I didn’t need you anymore. While that may have been said in jest, its something I had sub-consciously always held on to. At that moment, I brought this up and said that it would be a long time before you could leave because I couldn’t foresee a time when I didn’t need you. And we left it at that. Over these last 10 years, I have thought about this more times than I care to admit.
Yes, I’m guilty of moving on with my life. Three weeks after you left, I left my old life as I knew it and started a completely new life altogether. Every experience from then on, has been new, not connected to any memory that I shared with you. It made “moving on” easier. But, I have to admit to you, I finally see your point. Moving on is part of life. But, while I moved on, you are present in every moment of my life. My morality, conscience and even personality have been constructed by you and hence, your influence drives every step I take. In some of the most mundane moments in life, I cannot help but think about what you would say if I did or said something. You are everywhere while not being here at all. And so, as always, while you were right, you were also wrong.
While we are at it, its not very often that we can point out when you were wrong, but you were also wrong when you said you would leave when you thought I no longer needed you. Over the past 10 years, I have learnt to live without being able to call you at the drop of a hat. But, that doesn’t mean I don’t seek your guidance. I may not need you to tell me what to do anymore but a girl always needs her mother, especially at the stage in life that I am in. You gave me confidence and built me up every time the world around me brought me down. You were always my cheerleader. Without you around, it can get lonely sometimes!
I hope wherever you are, you are still watching and that I am well on track to make you proud of the person I am becoming. I hope that you are still cheering me on. I miss you.
Musings of a confused nut! 